The Deej Abides, Pt. 1

It took little thought at the time that I came upon the name thedeejabides for this website. I hate my actual first name: Donald. No offense to other Donalds. I go by DJ Fish but I didn’t find that created the mood I intended. Many of my friends and family call me Deej - which I’m now releasing into the ether. I also love the film The Big Lebowski - especially Jeff Bridges’ character - “The Dude.” His character almost floats through the film, carefree - not aimless, more like he simply exists. And in this same carefree spirit, he responds to the narrator with “The Dude abides” just as the film ends. So there it was. Am I like The Dude? Not really. I’m pretty carefree to an extent, but the idea of the character definitely speaks to me. And so, The Deej Abides.

Breaking into the present, this year has been daunting and continues to be frustratingly so. I’ll get into that. This year also gave me time to reflect on my life and all the other challenging times I’ve faced. And I didn’t leave it at that. I also spent time thinking through the periods that came after the storms. The calm after the storm, so they say. As my mind recognized all these waves, I kept returning to the website’s name. I’d established it so many years ago, but now it seemed more clear than ever: The Deej Abides.

The tie-in here presented the perfect time to sit down and start writing not just for myself, but to put something out into the world. I’m playing this all by ear, and constructive suggestions are welcome, but expect a serial format and I’ll see where it goes from there.

Today, we’ll focus on this year. As for defining abide, I like this simple one from Merriam-Webster: “to accept without objection.” Simple yeah? In practice, not so much. A little over a year ago a non-cancerous mass was found on a routine CT scan. However, due to where it was, my doctors still wanted to do a biopsy. Luckily everything came back fine and the decision was just to keep an eye on it.

In October and November of 2023 I started feeling unwell. I wasn’t sick, I just didn’t have a lot of energy and had to stay on Tylenol to keep cold chills at bay. There were no other symptoms, so a visit to Urgent Care, and a couple of visits to the ER made it difficult for the doctors there to determine much other than to give me some antibiotics. Meanwhile, the chills were getting worse and harder to control. Oh, and by the way, I was working through all of this. Finally, in late November I messaged my GI doctor who was irate at the hospital and its urgent care facility. He had stayed at bay up to this point as he couldn’t find a GI correlation. At this point though, he took it upon himself to get some labs that no one else had thought to run, and a CT scan, which I was due for anyway. All of this was booked in record time - I saw him on Monday, bloodwork on Tuesday, and CT on Wednesday. On my way home Wednesday my doctor called and said the mass had doubled in size and to go on to the hospital. I was admitted in record time.

Through December I went through several tests to rule out anything hoping we wouldn’t have to undergo surgery. Ultimately, exploratory surgery was the only option left after which I woke up with several extra attachments: several drain tubes coming out of me, a catheter, a long incision down my belly, an ileostomy, and two already existing vein accesses. None of this I expected. I was already delirious and didn’t believe this was reality. I asked for someone’s phone to call my mom who confirmed everything, and suspicion still clouded my mind. I hurt everywhere, and needless to say was miserable.

I’ll skip over a few months except to point out I finally had the energy to start texting and letting people know what was going on. The outpouring of love and prayer and best wishes was wonderfully overwhelming - as has continued to be for quite some time.

I got home in February, which was its own adjustment. However, my mom was and continues to be a great caretaker - even if she often blames herself for my pain. I mean, it’s only half the time. What’s been incredible to see is looking back to when I could barely do anything followed by stage after stage of being able to do more and more myself. There are still days I can do little more than stay in bed, but even those are becoming fewer and farther between.

The next and hopefully last step is to reverse my ostomy - now scheduled for early September. My god am I looking forward to this surgery. Funny right? Looking forward to a surgery. With an estimated recovery time of 4-6 weeks, I can’t wait to start doing more things without some of those attachments still on my body.

I didn’t expect any of this on December 6, 2023 when I went into the hospital. I didn’t expect this long to wait for my next surgery. AND I’m not in control of any of that. I can’t make any of it change, as much as I desperately want to. But coming out the other end, I can only say one thing: The Deej abides.